Stress for no reason

I really hate it when I have a day where I'm just anxious. Nothing significant happened today to make me more anxious than say yesterday. And yet today - much more anxiety in my body. Why is that? I know that I'm sitting on the edge of having to make some major life changes that make me scared/anxious/nervous. But what is it about today that makes me feel them more than a different day?

I am looking forward to the day that this gripping fear does not have the power to control my life. Of course in order for that to happen I know there's going to be some pretty epic changes that have to be made.

I am looking forward to the day when life throws me a challenge and I can bravely stand up and meet it instead of wallowing in fear and self doubt.

Namaste

21 Day Meditation Challenge

As someone who has known for a long time that I would benefit from meditation, and yet has always found 101 excuses not to do it I was kind of intrigued by Deepak Chopra's 21 day meditation challenge. I can meditate when I go to Kripalu (not well and not for long periods of time), but I really am quite resistant to the idea of doing it at home. Even though I know it would be a good thing for me. The only time in my life I think I have been successful at meditating and emptying my mind and being open to all that God has to offer is when I'm on the back of a horse. And since I don't see one of those in my near future I need to find something to fill that need until I manage to figure out how to get one of those wonderful creatures back.

But, something interesting that has come out of my Lenten project of doing morning sun salutations and then watching the sun rise with my daughter is the desire to go a little further down this path. I think I'm onto something with regards to balancing my anxiety and meditation just might help that (well, duh!)

Today's mediation was that my body and mind are in perfect balance.

They're Following Their Dharma Part Deux

I was outside this afternoon with my Jenna doing this:

and I realized something. I spend so much time wondering what my dharma is. What is it and how do I follow it? What should I be doing with this life? I realized that I am living my dharma. I am living it and I love it. I love, love, love being at home with my kids. I love watching them turn in to the awesome human beings they are and I love that I get to help guide them on that journey.

Sometimes I get caught up in our societies belief that there is very little value to being a stay at home mom. I get caught being afraid that because I don't have my own source of income that I put myself in a very vulnerable position. I get caught in the feeling that comes with the silence that comes after I say that I stay at home with my kids. 

But, you know what? It is whatI want to be doing. It is what feeds my soul. It brings me such great joy.

I am thankful for that. So incredibly thankful.

Maybe instead of wasting so much time wondering what my dharma is, I need to instead embrace the fact that I am living my dharma and that it is ok to be doing this.  It is after all my dharma and no one else's. It is better to fail or struggle with my own dharma than it is to live and succeed at someone else's!

They're Following Their Dharma

If you could do anything with your life and know you would succeed you would do __________________. My problem right now is I'm not even sure what that is. I know it would in some way involve having horses again. I would be writing. I would be happy. How to put that together into something.... I'm not sure.

This weekend I have been so incredibly fortunate to spend time with people who are living their dharma so fully it's practically oozing out of them.

Friday night we went and saw Bernadette Peters in concert at the Salem Civic Center. When I was young I remember Bernadette Peters being around a lot. For example she was on the Muppets, and I think you know you had really made it in the 70/80s when you were on the Muppet Show. I remembered she had a great voice and I enjoyed watching and listening to her but I don't remember much else. So, I was excited to go listen to her, but it was not like when I was 16 and went and saw Billy Idol.

I was surprised to find we not only were seated at a table on the floor, but we had a table that was in the front row and in the center of that row. Best seats in the house! She came out to start her show and I was impressed with how teeny tiny she was and what awesome shape she was in. Not even 'oh, she looks incredible for her age'. Rather, "wow! She looks incredible for any age!" I was impressed.

Then she started singing. What pipes! I thought getting the chills from listening to someone sing was just something people said to try and impress you. But, it really happens. She was so incredibly moving. It touched me right to the depths of my soul. The emotion that she brought to her songs was heart touching.

After the concert we were lucky enough to go backstage and meet her. Honestly, for me this was a huge test of my anxiety. I was stressed just of the thought of having a panic attack when I met her. But, I survived it and I think the fact that I made myself do something so incredibly far out of my comfort zone made me feel a little stronger in the dance I'm doing with my anxiety. 

Here we are with her. The picture is terrible, but hopefully a better one will be coming soon. It was an honour to be in the presence of someone who is so incredibly talented, and also strong and brave enough to be living their dharma.

This afternoon (Sunday), Jenna and I went to the Chocolate Festival at Hotel Roanoke which was yet another example of people living out their dharma. You could feel the vibe of it when you walked into the room. A group of such different people who were all doing the thing that made their soul sing. You could see it in their work too. Jenna and I fell in love with the chocolate treats from a French chef (quel suprise) who owns a bakery called Our Daily Bread - which we will have to be checking out in the near future.

They were giving out sample of little slices of some of their treats, but somehow Jenna scored an entire raspberry/chocolate heart (it's the first row of red on the table). The entire time we were there, Jenna kept saying it was her absolute favorite. At the end of our time there (aka the time when our tummies started to hurt from chocolate overdose and we knew we needed to come home and lie in a chocolate coma), we had to go back to the chef and tell him how much we had enjoyed their treats. 

It was easy to tell from talking with him how much he loved what he was doing. Simply being around someone who is so happy and so engaged in living a life they love is a heart happy activity. 

What a blessed weekend. 

For the Love of Food

Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of reading about following your dharma. Maybe because I think that some of my anxiety, stress, depression, panic - whatever you want to call it - is caused by my being "stuck". I am discovering that not only can't I follow my dharma while I'm stuck, but I am having a hard time even finding out what my dharma is because I'm so damn stuck.

I do totally appreciate watching and being around people who are following their own dharma. You can see the sparkle in their eye, the joy they exude because they are doing something they are really meant to do.

Last night we dropped off the boy at youth group and realized we had nothing planned for supper and it as 5:30 and the three of us were hungry. About two or three months ago I had seen a write up in the local paper for a Greek style restaurant that had opened up. An itty bitty, puny restaurant that only had 3 stools at the counter, but still - Greek! I drive by the place almost every day and for the last couple of weeks have been craving a falafel. Then I remembered that I had read that they make baklava and my craving was the final incentive we needed to go to the restaurant for supper.

Small it was, but it had a certain charm - probably because the chef seemed so happy. I had my falafel and he mixed together all the ingredients as we waited. Fresh! That makes such a difference in the taste you know.

And, for us it was fun to see how much he enjoyed watching us eat. I had told him that baklava was my favourite dessert and I did a little happy dance while waiting for him to serve it for us. I put my nose in it and took a good, long smell. Oh... it had such a fabulous smell. I was about to dive in when I heard the chef say "No, hold on. Don't eat it until I can see your face. I want to see how much you like it." Then he moved in front of me to watch my dessert experience. I know, it sounds kind of weird, but trust me in the situation it was happening in - it was completely appropriate. I am pretty sure that he was as excited to watch us enjoy his food as we were excited to eat it.

It was, for me, the perfect example of someone who is following his dharma. He already has a successful restaurant running in town, and now he's cooking the kind of food he really wants to cook. You can taste the secret ingredient - love - as he's following his passion.

It makes me start to feel some of the passion in my tummy - along with all those butterflies!

Awakening the ball of anger

When I went to the chiropractor last Monday, I told him that he'd broken me the Friday before and he had to fix it. He was like - oh yeah, I thought I hit some good spots and you were probably going to feel it over the weekend. How bad was it?

I'm like... um... so you knew you had hit something and you didn't warn me??? What??? But I figured that since by Saturday I had been feeling almost like a regular person again and that in general I'm getting so much stronger every day that I would pretend that had never happened and carry on as normal. 

Well, Monday he seemed to have hit my little ball of anger. Apparently it lives in the base of my right hip. It has been living there, quite content, I assume for a number of years. As long as I don't bother it, it does not bother me. It seems to be the place where I stuff all my anger and it has a good old time brewing up some toxic gunk down there. But, when the beast is awakened it does not want to quietly go back to it's confinement. No, it wants to be known and starts screaming.

So, for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday morning (until I went back to the chiropractor and he calmed it) I was one huge ball of rage. Nothing different had happened, it was simply that I had enough, my rage-storage place was full and it wanted to come out. You see, because I am happy to go off the handle for little things - leaving the toilet seat up, not changing the roll, dog wanting in/out/in/out/in/out - I store up the things that really hurt me and apparently make a nice little home for them in my left hip. Yay for that.

This is not the first time it has happened either. When I was at Kripalu I went to a wonderful restorative yoga class the first day. The instructor said he'd be teaching the gentle yoga class the next morning. At 6:25am I ran screeching down the hallway to make the 6:30 class only to find it was someone else teaching the class. I wasn't overly upset though since any class at Kripalu is a good class. Except for this one apparently. I felt like all he was making us do was bridge pose. I have never been very good at bridge, but it's never been a pose I avoided doing either, simply one that was challenging. But, the more he made us do bridge the madder I got. I could not figure out why I was so pissed off that he kept making us do bridge, but I could not stop myself from getting mad either.

Finally, after about an hour of being really freaking mad, I rolled up my mat, left the class and went for breakfast. I told my roommate how mad I was about that class. She had had a fabulous moderate yoga class - which also made me mad. I really noticed that even though I was not in a bad mood or "mad" (because who can be mad about being at Kripalu) that for that day I said ______ made me really mad a lot (things like the kitchen being closed so I could not get more tea - really big things!).

The next morning I lay in bed at 6:25 going ugh, maybe I should skip this class. Yes the class the evening before was by one of my favorite teachers, and yes I had really enjoyed it, but I was still bitter about the class the morning before. But, I made myself go. I was only there for 3 days and darned if I was going to miss a class due to bad attitude.

And, how happy was I that I had made myself go. My all time favorite teacher was leading the class! I did a little early morning dance of joy and got into the groove of things. Until part way through the class when he asked us to go into bridge pose. And I got really mad. And I was really mad at the instructor for making us do this stupid pose. It was at this time (I'm a little slow) that I realized it was the bridge pose and not the instructor.

Even though I have believed for years that emotions are stored in the body this was the first time I had had an experience quite like this. 

Which you think would have had me prepared for my hip ball of anger that got unleashed this week. But, nope, I am a slow learner. Fortunately the chiropractor has a few techniques up his sleeve to help calm me down which along with my morning yoga helped. But it was really something to experience. I figure since the beast has been awakened now it must be tamed since it's not going to lie dormant anymore and I don't want it sitting like angry gick in my hips.